What Are the Gottman Principles, and How Can They Help Your Relationship?

Your relationship will ultimately face its share of challenges. Couples who love each other deeply will still experience misunderstandings, disagreements, and moments of emotional distance. So, let’s normalize this!

That said, I’ve dedicated my life to helping couples work through the obstacles life throws at their relationship. And a proven framework for building a stronger, healthier relationship comes down to The Gottman Principles.

These Principles were developed by renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Based on decades of research, they’ve helped countless couples create happier, more resilient relationships.

Curious how they can help you, too? 

Let’s take a closer look!

The 7 Gottman Principles Explained

Dedicating their careers to studying how to make a relationship thrive, Drs. John and Julie Gottman have conducted research for over 40 years! It’s through observing countless couples and identifying patterns that predict long-term relationship success that their research is based upon.

From this research, they developed the Sound Relationship House Theory, which identifies seven principles to help couples build stronger emotional connections and resolve conflict more effectively. They are:

1. Build Love Maps

A Love Map is your mental blueprint of your partner’s inner world. It looks at their dreams, fears, experiences, and daily stressors. The stronger your Love Map, the deeper your emotional connection. I explore Love Maps and how to create yours in this blog.

2. Share Fondness and Admiration

It’s easy to focus on frustrations. But expressing appreciation and affection is what strengthens your bond. That’s why couples who regularly share positive sentiments feel more connected and valued. So, the next time you notice something positive about your partner, tell them! You like how they look in a specific outfit, you appreciate how their hair looks, you noticed they did the dishes or wiped down the countertops. Everyone loves a little appreciation. And when you do it regularly, it builds connection.

3. Turn Toward Instead of Away

In relationships, connection happens in small, everyday moments. When your partner makes a bid for attention, connection, or support, responding builds trust. 

What is a bid? When we reach out to our partner to engage them, we are asking for a connection; in therapy, we call this bidding.  Taking the time to ask each other about their day, holding hands, and talking about something interesting that you saw are all bids for connection.  

And it’s not just the initial bid that matters. How is that bid received and responded to?  Is the conversations two-sided, or are you just waiting for it to be done?  

Think of bids like a game of tennis: are you both playing, or is one of you hitting balls while the other doesn’t react? 

So the next time they send you a meme or ask you to watch a YouTube video with them, respond!

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect. That means being open to your partner’s ideas, opinions, and feelings, even when they differ from your own. This doesn’t mean you must give up your sense of control or even do what they suggest. Instead, it’s a way you can create space for shared decision-making, partnership, and teamwork.

5. Solve Solvable Problems

While we’d love to think that all conflict is avoidable, it’s not! But many disagreements can be resolved with the right approach. To start, try using “I” statements to express how you feel instead of “you” statements. Also, focus on one issue at a time instead of letting one issue snowball into the next.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Some disagreements are about deeper, long-term differences like values, life goals, or parenting styles. And when these issues cause recurring conflict for which neither side seems able to produce an effective resolution, it’s called gridlock. In these instances, it shouldn’t come down to solving the actual issue—let’s say you disagree about how to spend the holidays every year. Instead, create a habit of having healthy conversations that help you understand one another’s perspective. Your goal is to stay emotionally connected even when you disagree.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Healthy relationships go beyond daily responsibilities. They include shared rituals, values, and goals that give the relationship a sense of purpose. So, look at your daily routines and ask yourselves, how can you create traditions together? An example may be to cook dinner together every Sunday.

How Can the Gottman Principles Help Your Relationship?

The beauty of these principles is that they aren’t about perfection. They’re about creating small, intentional habits that nurture your relationship over time.

And that’s the key here—start small! Trying to make big sweeping changes take hold almost never works. But building up longer-term habits through small daily or weekly efforts absolutely is! Here are some simple ways you can get started:

• Have regular check-ins. Set aside time for deeper conversations. If you’re having trouble getting started, this blog has you covered.

• Try a Gottman exercise. One of my favorite resources to share with couples is the Gottman Card Decks. Download for Apple or Android and choose from a variety of conversation starters.

• Attend a workshop or seek support. Learning alongside other couples or with a professional can offer new perspectives and deeper growth.

Final Thoughts

Strong relationships don’t happen by accident. They’re built through intentional moments of connection, curiosity, and care.

The Gottman Principles offer a roadmap for creating a relationship that feels safe, supportive, and fulfilling. They’re not about perfection but about progress—making small, consistent efforts to know, love, and appreciate your partner more deeply.