Stonewalling and Holiday Stress: How to Stay Connected During the Busiest Season

The holiday season often brings joy, celebration, and family traditions. But let’s be honest: it can also bring a hefty dose of stress!

Between shopping, travel, family gatherings, budgeting, and navigating kids’ schedules, even the strongest couples can feel stretched thin.

In times of high stress, one common dynamic I see in couples is stonewalling. While it may look like your partner doesn’t care, it’s usually a sign of overwhelm in otherwise healthy relationships.

Understanding what stonewalling is, stonewalling and holiday stress, and how to respond with compassion this upcoming holiday season can make all the difference in keeping your relationship strong year-round.

What Is Stonewalling?

In healthy relationships, stonewalling is when one partner shuts down during a difficult conversation. Instead of engaging, they withdraw, give short responses, look away, or even go blank. Sometimes it could look like scrolling on their phone, fidgeting, or walking out of the room.

The important thing to remember is that if your relationship is otherwise healthy, stonewalling isn’t usually about disinterest. It’s often a protective response to feeling emotionally flooded—when stress and big feelings overwhelm a person’s ability to stay present.

Why the Holidays Trigger Stonewalling AKA: Stonewalling and Holiday Stress

The holidays can be a perfect storm for stonewalling to show up. Consider that there’s:

• Increased stress load: Shopping, family expectations, and end-of-year deadlines pile up.

• Emotional overwhelm: Old wounds or family dynamics often resurface during holiday gatherings.

• Social pressure: Wanting to “keep the peace” around extended family can lead to shutting down instead of speaking up.

Let’s imagine your partner goes quiet when the topic of holiday spending comes up. Or they disengage after a disagreement at a family dinner. 

At first glance, maybe it feels like they don’t care. In reality, they may simply feel overwhelmed and not know how to express it.

This perspective often helps couples I work with respond in a way that repairs rather than escalates.

What To Do When Stonewalling Happens

When you notice stonewalling, it’s tempting to push harder or say something critical. But that usually backfires. Here are some things you could try doing instead:

• Pause with compassion: Suggest a short break and commit to returning to the conversation later.

• Check in gently: “I feel like I lost you—are you okay?” or “Would a break help right now?”

• Self-soothe first: Take a breath, ground yourself, and manage your own emotions before re-engaging.

• Offer repair attempts: A hand on their arm, a soft tone, or even humor can de-escalate tension.

What if you yourself are the stonewaller? 

The primary intervention is for the stonewaller to intervene for themselves. You might know you’re the stonewaller if you notice that you are starting to check out or have thoughts about wanting your partner to stop talking, or maybe irritation that you just want to watch your show or get back to Instagram (because you need to veg out). These flags are telling you you need some soothing.  

You are getting overwhelmed, and you need to take a break (and I am not talking about Instagram). You need to regulate your system.  

First acknowledge your partner’s bid, ie: “I know you want to talk about XXX, I’m having a hard time getting in that headspace.”

Next, offer specifics to your partner: “I need to take a few minutes, can we talk about it <offer specific time>?

Finally, do some self-soothing. This might look like breathing techniques, taking a walk, or using the ACE technique.

By recognizing stonewalling as a sign of stress rather than rejection, you can minimize conflict and strengthen your ability to navigate hard moments together.

Wish you had additional small strategies to help ensure that stress doesn’t snowball into disconnection during a season that’s already demanding? Some ideas I’ve shared with my couples recently include:

• Plan weekly check-ins before family events or travel to align expectations and reduce surprises.

• Set boundaries together—agree on a budget, time limits for gatherings, or how to divide responsibilities.

• Create a signal or phrase to use when either partner feels overwhelmed (“Let’s pause here”).

• Protect downtime: Don’t overschedule. Leave space to recharge individually and as a couple.

  
  

When to Reach Out for Support

I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that constant stonewalling is not healthy. 

Therefore, if you notice that you often stonewall your partner, or if stonewalling becomes a recurring pattern, or if it is creating ongoing distance between you and your partner, it may help to bring in outside support. 

Couples therapy or a workshop can provide tools to break the cycle and build stronger patterns of connection.

Remember: the goal isn’t to avoid all conflict. It’s to protect your connection while navigating the stress together.

Want more practical tools to stay connected? My self-led course, Create Time for Connection, offers easy, actionable strategies you can use year-round—even in the busiest seasons.