When you picture “self-care,” do images of spa days and bubble baths appear in your mind? Maybe it’s less luxurious—driving around by yourself for fifteen or twenty minutes with a hot latte.
Whatever you’re imagining, I’m willing to bet that your version of self-care doesn’t happen as often as it should.
That’s because, as with many people in relationships, self-care doesn’t come naturally. Instead, your instinct is to prioritize your partner, kids, or family.
And you don’t need me to tell you how little time this leaves for you!
But here’s the thing: constantly putting others first without caring for yourself isn’t sustainable. You might think it is. After all, you’re waking up and doing the day whether you want to or not, right?
Yet, when burnout, resentment, or even emotional disconnect occurs, it means you’re not nurturing yourself enough. So, if those feelings are creeping into your relationships now and again, it’s time to make a change.
And that change is more self-care.
This is exactly why we’re about to explore why self-care is essential for healthy relationships, how to recognize when you need more, and practical ways to incorporate self-care into your life.
What is self-care?
This term gets thrown around a lot. From a therapist’s standpoint, it means forming the intentional practice of taking time to care for your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. In other words, recognizing your own needs and making them a priority. Which sounds pretty basic if you ask me!
Unfortunately, when I speak with clients about self-care, it’s often seen as selfish or indulgent.
But what if I told you this is usually because you’re not making it a regular practice?
Self-care is about creating ongoing habits that help you feel balanced, energized, and emotionally stable. “Habits” being the keyword. Maybe that’s getting a massage you look forward to every few weeks. Maybe it’s getting a full eight hours of sleep each night or simply eating in more than you order out. Maybe it’s setting aside 30 minutes a day to walk outside.
Self-care is whatever you need, as long as it’s consistent.
That’s not to say things won’t come up. You get sick and have to order dinner in all week, or your kid has a day off from school, so you’re forced to skip a yoga class.
But when self-care is truly a habit, the occasional obstacle won’t lead to a total derailment, long-term.
Self-care and healthy relationships
Now, I’m a couple’s therapist, so you might be wondering what self-care has to do with healthy relationships.
It’s a winding road! But in a nutshell, when you neglect your own needs, it’s harder to show up for your partner in meaningful ways. That’s because, over time, the strain of constantly giving without refueling can lead to big problems, including a lack of connection with your partner.
Many couples mistake this to mean they no longer care for one another.
In reality, the troubles brought about through a lack of self-care often mean you haven’t cared enough for yourself.
That’s because self-care creates a ripple effect in relationships. When you take time to replenish your physical and emotional energy, you’re better equipped to handle stress, communicate effectively, and be emotionally available for your partner. Think about it: When you’re well-rested and fulfilled, don’t you find it easier to approach challenges with patience and compassion?
Self-care also fosters independence, which is an often-overlooked ingredient in healthy relationships. Pursuing your own hobbies, interests, and personal growth doesn’t take away from your relationship. It adds to it! It gives you a sense of identity outside of being someone’s partner, allowing you to bring more energy, excitement, and perspective to your shared connection.
By prioritizing self-care, you’re not just committing yourself—you’re committing to your relationship. You’re saying, “I value us enough to take care of myself so I can show up as the best version of me.”
And that, in turn, can help to strengthen the bond between you and your partner.
Overcoming guilt around self-care
I get it. It’s all well and good to tell you to prioritize your self-care.
But these words alone are rarely enough to give my clients the jump-start they need!
That’s because we’ve absorbed all kinds of opinions (often negative) about self-care from the media, our partner, the home we grew up in, and so forth.
But it’s our job as humans to recognize which of those opinions serve us versus which ones we need to work through and let go of. The mindset that self-care is a luxury is not only unhelpful, but it can also cause damage to your relationships again and again—with this partner or with a new one. Whether a natural caretaker or someone who had caretaking thrust upon them, you must learn how to set boundaries, prioritize your own needs, and voice those because no one else is going to.
So, instead of viewing self-care as taking time away from your relationships, let’s reframe it as an investment in them. When you care for yourself, you’re showing love to others by ensuring you’re emotionally and physically available for them when you’re together. It’s not about choosing yourself over them—it’s about creating the balance needed to show up as the best version of yourself.
Final thoughts
Don’t let guilt hold you back from prioritizing self-care. Start small. Choose one act of self-care—a 10-minute walk, a quiet cup of coffee in the morning, or saying no to something that drains you—and notice how it makes you feel.
Remember, taking care of yourself is one of the most loving things you can do for those you care about. So today, ask yourself: What’s one small thing I can do for myself? Then, go do it!
Because when you take care of yourself, you’re not just showing up for yourself—you’re showing up as the best version of yourself for your partner, too.
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