What to Do When You Feel Like You’re Always the One Trying in Your Relationship

It’s a lonely feeling being the one who plans the date nights, brings up hard conversations, initiates affection, or even reminds your partner to say “I love you.” Maybe you’ve even found yourself thinking, If I didn’t make the effort, would anything ever happen between us at all?

When it feels like you’re always the one trying in your relationship, it's easy to spiral into resentment. But over time, that resentment can chip away at your connection. You might even start testing your partner, pulling back on purpose just to see if they notice. Or maybe you keep pushing forward, trying harder and harder, until you’re emotionally exhausted.

Neither is ideal. But when you feel like you’re the only one carrying the emotional weight of the relationship, what should you do instead?

1. Get Clear on What “Trying” Means to You

Start by naming exactly what you’ve been doing and how it’s making you feel. Trying can look like initiating conversations, apologizing first, scheduling quality time, or keeping the emotional temperature stable. You might also be taking on more mental load or being the default for repair after conflict.

It’s important to get specific, because “I’m the only one trying” can mean very different things from one couple to the next. Clarity helps shift the story from blame (“you don’t care about us”) to something more vulnerable (“I feel overwhelmed and alone in this”).

2. Share Your Experience Without Accusation

It’s tempting to lead with frustration, especially when you’ve been carrying the load for a long time. But conversations that begin with blame often trigger defensiveness—and shut down the exact connection you’re craving.

Instead, start with how you feel. Try something like:

“Lately, I’ve felt like I’m doing a lot to keep our relationship close, and I’m starting to feel really alone in it. I know we both care about each other, but I’d love to talk about how we can share that load more.”

That might feel tender and even risky to say. But vulnerability opens the door to change far more effectively than criticism does.

3. Consider Your Partner’s Capacity

Sometimes a partner isn’t showing up not because they don’t care, but because they’re depleted, distracted, or overwhelmed in other areas of life. That’s not an excuse, but it is important context.

Take a moment to ask yourself: Has something shifted in their world recently? Have I asked them directly what’s going on, or just assumed they’re checked out?

Understanding their emotional bandwidth helps you have a more collaborative (rather than confrontational) conversation about what’s possible.

4. Ask for Specific Changes

Many couples get stuck in vague loops of “you never try” / “yes I do” because they haven’t clearly defined what “trying” looks like. Try turning your needs into doable, specific actions:

• “Can you plan a date this month, just the two of us?”

• “It would mean a lot if you initiated a hug when you get home.”

• “Can we set a time once a week to check in, without distractions?”

When you ask for something concrete, you give your partner a roadmap for how to show up, rather than leaving them guessing or shutting down.

5. Reflect on the Dynamic, Not Just the Moment

If this pattern of one-sided effort has been going on for a long time, and conversations haven’t helped, it may be worth looking at the deeper dynamics underneath. 

Are you both operating from roles you learned growing up? Is one of you more comfortable with emotional work, while the other avoids it?

Relationship imbalances can be subtle but deeply ingrained. Therapy or couples coaching can help you understand and shift these patterns in a way that’s supportive for both partners.

In a Healthy Relationship, You Won’t Have to Do It All

It’s okay to want more from your partner.

It’s okay to ask for effort, vulnerability, and emotional availability.

And it’s okay to get tired sometimes, even when you deeply love the person you’re with.

If you’re feeling stuck in this pattern and unsure how to break the cycle, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Find a therapist in your area or discover my couples workshops, available online, no matter where you’re located.

Additionally, my self-led course “Create Time for Connection” is only $20, and it’s available for immediate download and purchase.