Repair Attempts: The Secret Weapon for Resolving Conflicts

You and your partner are fighting. Again! Whether it’s a new argument or the same argument for what feels like the 100th time, there is some good news: Conflict in a relationship isn’t a sign that something’s wrong. 

It’s a sign you’re human.

That’s right. Even the happiest, most connected couples are going to argue from time to time. Even if you never fought before you were married. Even if you never fought before kids. Conflict within an otherwise healthy relationship is not a bad thing. In fact, I’d argue it means you still care about what the other person thinks!

What separates resilient couples from those who struggle is how they respond when things get tense.

And that’s where repair attempts come in. So, let’s talk about what those look like in healthy relationships.

What Is a Repair Attempt?

A repair attempt is any action, big or small, that helps de-escalate conflict and reconnect you with your partner.

Things like a lighthearted joke to break the tension.

A hand gently placed on your partner’s knee.

A pause to say, “Can we start over?” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

Even a simple “I hear you” or “Let’s take a breath” can be a powerful repair mid-conflict.

Why Repair Attempts Matter in Resolving Conflicts

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, who have studied couples for decades, find that repair attempts are one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success. That’s right! It’s not the absence of conflict that keeps couples strong. Instead, it’s their ability to reach for connection in the middle of it.

Think of a repair attempt as an emotional lifeline. When the waters of a conversation get choppy, a repair is a way to say, “I still care about you. I want us to come through this together.”

These small gestures toward resolving conflicts help regulate emotions, reduce defensiveness, and shift the tone from adversarial to collaborative.

They don’t erase the disagreement. They just make space for both of you to stay engaged without letting the conflict spiral into disconnection or damage.

Recognizing (and Accepting) Repair Attempts

Now, here’s the tricky part: repair attempts don’t always come in a neat package with an “obvious” sign taped to it.

Sometimes, your partner’s attempt might sound awkward. Or maybe it comes at a moment when you're still flooded with emotion. You might even miss it completely. 

Learning about what your partner’s repairs tend to look like and giving them the benefit of the doubt is the only way this really works in times of conflict.

You might have to learn a bit on the fly. However, you can also reflect on a previous conflict and consider the communication that occurred when you were both in a better headspace. For instance, maybe you felt that when your partner said, “I can’t do this right now,” you took it as shutting down the issue. In reality, it could have been a repair attempt aiming to protect your connection.

Using Repair Attempts in the Moment

Do you wish your attempts at repair were better received or more obvious? Not to worry. 

Using repair attempts takes practice. In the heat of an argument, your nervous system may want to protect you by getting louder or shutting down. But that’s when repairs matter most.

Here are a few ways to make repairs in real-time:

• “Can we pause for a second?”

• “I know we’re both frustrated, but I really care about you.”

• “I’m sorry I raised my voice. Let’s try again.”

• Reach for their hand or offer a small smile to signal a softening

Tone matters. Timing matters. But perfection? Not required. Repair attempts are less about saying the right thing and more about trying. Often, you have to try again and again and again until you find something that feels good to you and is recognizable by your partner. 

That’s okay!

The important thing is not to give up. Come back when you're both ready. Say, “I was trying to reconnect earlier. I’d love to try again.” 

That follow-up can be a repair in itself.

Learning how to both offer and accept repair attempts builds trust, emotional safety, and long-term resilience in relationships. It teaches your partner that we can weather hard moments and still come back to each other.

So the next time tension rises, try reaching for a repair. It might be the smallest thing you do, but it could have the biggest impact.