Recommended Books: Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman

Many of you may know that I am a Gottman Certified Therapist, and so maybe there is a bit of a bias towards their work. 

Their work in general, yes, I’m a little biased. Their books…well, I am a bit pickier.  One thing I LOVE about their books is all the information they have in them, especially the earlier ones like Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Relationship Cure, What Makes Love Last, and The Science of Trust. 

John and Julie are amazing researchers and clinicians, and the knowledge they share is so helpful. 

While all that info is great, it can also be a bit overwhelming and sometimes not an easy read. 

That is not true about Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman, and it is one of my favorite recommendations for couples to read together. I would highly recommend that each person have their own copy.

What is this book about?

As with all of the other books, Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman is about relationships, but this one looks at relationships connecting conversations. 

Yes, please!! 

This book is also a bit more than just a topic-by-topic exploration of relationships; it is about the conversations you and your partner have together. 

It begins with some foundational skills about conversations and the importance of both speaking and listening. I love the section about the four skills of intimate conversation! (Page 28 if you’re curious.) This is all a warm-up because this is also a bit of a workbook.  Each chapter guides you through a topic related to relationships. There are eight topics, one for each date night. (And the reason for the title). The chapters start with general information about the topics and have quizzes and questions for reflection and as part of preparation for your date. 

Once on the date, there is a guide that helps you share the information you prepared. (Note: If you are averse to writing in the book, like I am, you can photocopy the pages or use an erasable pen like a Frixion pen. The Gottman Institute used to have printable versions of the worksheets, but I haven’t seen them recently. If I find them, I will add them to the Relationship DIY section of my website.)

Who is Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman for?

This book is for anyone in a committed relationship who wants to more deeply know their partner and feel connected. The reason I say committed is that you will be sharing information with your partner that is important and, for some topics, vulnerable.  It doesn’t matter how long you have been in the relationship, but you do want to be able to trust this person and intend to be with them for a while.  I personally think this book is great for couples considering marriage or preparing to go through any major transition (ie, baby, retirement, etc.). 

It helps you get aligned on important topics and start conversations about other important topics not included in the book.

How can Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman help my relationship?

There are many ways this book is helpful, but the biggest one, I think, is structure. It sets up a framework in which to explore your relationship and your partner, which makes it easy and fun to do. Let’s face it, some of these conversations are hard, like talking about sex, money, or family issues. 

Sometimes this makes these topics more likely to be avoided. The structure takes the difficulty out of bringing up the topic and also gives some guidelines on how to talk about it. Another thing I find really helpful is the prep.  When we are going to talk about important things with our partner, we sometimes just jump into it and figure it out as we talk. Sometimes that results in confusion as you wander your way through, only to land at something that seems contradictory to where you started. Looking at the questions (or quizzes ) and thinking about your answers beforehand helps the conversation move more deeply and smoothly, which often feels pretty good for both of you. 

These conversations also give you practice at listening deeply to your partner. Knowing that you will each be sharing, we can put down the race to speak and be present and attentive.  It gives us the opportunity to be fully seen and heard (oh, so nice!)

Best Takeaways from Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman

There is a little highlighted box in the introduction that I think sums it up: “The goal is to be able to love your partner more deeply each and every year you’re together.” 

This is love in action!  Loving by continuing to ask questions to better understand your partner and show that you hear and see them. We are capable of incredible growth and change, and it is important to be able to know about each other’s growth, pain, and hopes as they change over time. 

This book can be re-read, or maybe the better word would be re-experienced, many times.  Maybe once a year, at every life transition, or just when you are feeling a need for connection. 

Yes, the questions are the same, but you don’t have to stick to just those questions as you get going. Remember, the framework itself is helpful. Kind of like sticking to a workout program. It’s much easier if it is outlined for you, rather than creating the routine every time you go to work out. Also, once you have talked about these topics, they become easier to talk about. Bonus!

Would you recommend it?

I often do! Like I said in the beginning, this is one of my most recommended books. It is easy to read and fun to do.  If you already do date nights, this can be a great way to change it up a bit.  If you don’t, this can be a great way to get them started. 

Remember, regardless of whether you are thinking about marriage or have been in a committed relationship for many years, have children or don’t have children, this book will guide you to conversations that will deepen your relationship. 

Enjoy!