How to Talk About Your Needs and Desires When You’re Feeling Disconnected

Feeling disconnected from your partner lately? Don’t worry. Disconnection happens in every relationship. We’re human! Life gets busy, stress piles up, and before you know it, you and your partner are passing ships.

But the key to any good relationship—friendships, partnerships, marriages, and even relationships with our kids—is connection. When you’re connected, talking about your needs or desires comes more easily. There’s a trust and comfortability with expressing yourself.

But what about when you’re feeling disconnected? How do you express your needs and desires then?

Understand the Source of Disconnection

A little self-awareness goes a long way, here. So, before bringing up your needs with someone, take a moment to reflect: What’s really missing for me right now? 

What do I really need to feel back on track in this relationship?

Quality time? More help with the mental load? Getting on the same page about something? A goodnight hug and kiss? A wordless cuddle session?

Remember: disconnection often is the result of external stressors like work deadlines, family schedules, or financial pressure. 

Other times, it’s more about internal feelings like resentment, loneliness, or feeling unseen.

Clarifying the root will make it easier to talk about what you’re really asking for instead of circling around surface issues.

Be Clear About Needs vs. Desires (AKA: Needs and Desires When You're Feeling Disconnected)

Now that you’ve thought about the root of your disconnection, it’s time to consider that not everything carries the same weight. 

Needs are the things essential to your emotional well-being: trust, respect, and quality time. 

Desires are the extras that enrich your bond but may be flexible: wanting a date night at your favorite restaurant.

Communicating the difference helps your partner prioritize without feeling overwhelmed.

And if the communication part is where things tend to get stuck or turn defensive, it’s okay to try again. In a healthy relationship, this type of discord usually happens when someone feels like they’re being blamed for something. There’s a way to do this differently! Instead of saying things like,  “You never listen” or “You always put work first,” try softening the start.

A formula that often helps is: “I feel [emotion] when [situation]. What I need is [positive request].”

For example:“I feel lonely when we go days without spending time together. I’d love it if we could plan a night this week just for us.”

This communicates both your feelings and a clear, actionable request without shaming your partner.

Listen as Much as You Speak

You have needs and desires—and they might be different from those of your partner! Remember: sharing your own stuff is only half the conversation. Equally important is listening to your partner’s perspective. 

Try to lead with curiosity and reflect back what you hear: “It sounds like you’re feeling stressed about work, and that’s why it’s been hard to be present.”

Validation doesn’t mean you agree with what they’re saying. It does signal that you care about their experience. This opens the door to collaboration over further conflict.

If a larger goal—like a date night—feels hard to achieve as a couple right now, suggest manageable ways to show up for each other. A 5-minute conversation over morning coffee, or grabbing 10 minutes to prep dinner together, are good places to start. One of my clients told me she and her husband started grabbing ten minutes away from the kids a few times a week, folding laundry together!

These micro-moments, when repeated, will help you start to rebuild closeness.

Because at the end of the day, needs and desires aren’t complaints. They’re invitations that say: I just want to know you better.