Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

I was recommended Fair Play by Eve Rodsky by a fellow couples therapist. At the time, I was working with several couples where fairness around housework and childcare was a major theme (it often is, by the way).

What is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky about?

The author offers a system in which couples can talk about and navigate the wear and tear of relationship tasks. Housework — or more specifically, the division of labor — is one of the top five topics that cause relationship conflict. The topic itself can seem straightforward, but it’s often laced with old narratives (ones we lean into or ones we fight against). It’s also something many couples never intentionally discuss, which makes it ripe for misunderstanding and resentment.

Eve Rodsky does an excellent job addressing some of the common struggles within shared work that show up for couples. She emphasizes that this system is about exploration and discussion, not a tool to prove who does what or to shame your partner. She specifically says to keep in mind that “All time is created equal” (energy spent working as a stay-at-home parent is as valuable as the person who does other kinds of work) and “Do not keep score” (the system does not work if you do this; some tasks/cards require more time or effort, so the number of cards is not a measure of worth).

The idea is to take on tasks you can complete without either of you feeling resentful. (Win!)

Who is this book for?

While I initially thought it might be for any cohabitating couple, I now suggest it especially for couples who are considering moving in together or those transitioning from partners to parents. That’s not to say other cohabitating couples wouldn’t benefit — they absolutely will — but using the ideas in this book preemptively may have greater impact.

My reasoning is this: once a pattern is in place and one partner feels things are “unfair,” resentment can build, making the conversation more difficult for either partner. At that point, emotional hurt also needs to be addressed within the very practical conversation about who does what.

How can it help?

When done in the spirit of teamwork and fairness (fairness meaning that each person gets what they need, not that everything is exactly equal), this book can be a great way to approach the task of living together.

The two main exercises in the book focus on identifying who currently holds which tasks and then reassessing and redistributing those tasks after intentional conversations. The book also includes an accompanying card deck, which I found very helpful for carrying out the primary exercise (agreeing on the tasks each person will take on within the relationship).

The task list can be tailored specifically to your relationship, or you can create your own list or index cards with the tasks you and your partner want to divide. One especially important thing to remember is that, like any good agreement, there should be room for flexibility and task-switching as needed. Your agreements aren’t written in stone; they should be revisited regularly and adjusted when necessary.

These exercises bring a level of intentionality to roles and tasks that can be incredibly helpful in preventing and reducing tension within the household and between partners.

Best takeaways

There were a lot of juicy morsels in this book, but my favorites are CPE and MSC.

CPE stands for Conception, Planning, and Execution — the three stages held by the person who “owns” a task. When someone owns the task completely, it balances out the mental load for that task.

For example, if my job is taking out the garbage, I remember when it needs to happen, take any necessary steps related to it, and then actually take out the garbage. Personally, I’ve found that some tasks work well this way and others are more complicated, meaning the CPE is shared. That’s okay as long as those tasks are willingly taken on and there is good communication around the shared parts.

MSC stands for Minimum Standard of Care. This one is great and allows a certain level of freedom for both partners. You probably won't use it for every single task (although you could), but it’s especially important for tasks that have caused friction in the past. Let’s take cleaning as an example: What does clean mean to you? It might mean something very different to your partner. This is where MSC comes into play. You both define the baseline for what “done” means and work together to find something that feels good enough to both of you. Now each of you can feel comfortable with the task being done — no worries about it being done “right” and no worries about being told you didn’t do it well enough. YAY!

Would you recommend this book?

Yes, I would,  but with one caveat: both partners need to approach this process with an open mind and with the intention of creating understanding and cooperation.

Used with the right intention — raising awareness of mental load and rebalancing the ship — this book is an incredible tool. But it can also be misused as a way to validate how your partner is “doing things wrong” or “not participating enough.” Rodsky refers to tasks as “cards a player holds,” which is a helpful, lighthearted way to approach it.

Overall, the book lightens the load and offers a thoughtful way to discuss the tasks that are challenging or have caused friction in the past.