Communicating Expectations During the Back-to-School Transition

Summer is winding down. This usually means families are shifting back into the rhythm of school schedules plus fall sports. And it’s often a stark difference from a more laid-back, far less busy summer.

Mornings are earlier. Evenings are fuller. Weekends can be swallowed up by activities, homework, and errands.

These changes, while certainly a test of parenting, can also feel like they’re testing your relationship when you and your partner aren’t on the same page. Thankfully, there is a remedy that I often discuss with couples who visit my practice in person. And it’s pretty simple: clear, consistent communication about expectations.Let’s talk about what that may look like for different couples.

Why Back-to-School Transition Can Be a Stress Test for Couples

The back-to-school transition adds a lot of moving parts to everyday life. 

Who’s handling drop-off? 

Who’s packing lunches? 

Who’s keeping track of homework or sports schedules? 

Add in the demands of a 9-5, housework, and social commitments, and it’s easy to see how assumptions and unspoken expectations can lead to frustration in your relationship.

For many couples, fall tends to highlight an imbalance in responsibilities. It may also reveal where communication tends to break down. 

The Power of Setting Clear Expectations

One of the biggest myths in relationships? Our partners should “just know” what we need. But here’s what I find myself telling a lot of couples: No one is a mind reader. Not after a year of marriage or five or even twenty. 

Will there be things your partner perhaps comes to inherently know about you over time? Of course. However, unspoken expectations can only ever set the stage for disappointment.

By naming and sharing what you each expect this fall—both logistically and emotionally—you may reduce the likelihood of resentment, creating more room for teamwork. 

Practical Steps for Communicating Expectations

Let’s say you want to communicate expectations, but you find it difficult. Maybe when you approach your partner, it seems like they get prickly or defensive. Or perhaps you feel prickly or defensive! Here are some tips for making this discussion a bit easier on everyone to ensure more active listening.

• Have a Weekly Check-In: Set aside 15–20 minutes at the start of the week to look ahead. Who’s handling drop-off? Which nights are busy? Who needs quiet time for work? Writing it down in a shared calendar can prevent “I thought you were doing that” moments. Also, having a set time where everyone comes to the table with their needs makes it less likely that someone feels attacked about their involvement in a previous week.

• Name Your Priorities: Each partner should share one or two things that matter most to them that week. Maybe it’s attending a school event, protecting a work deadline, or carving out time for exercise. Discuss how you can help one another achieve those goals.

• Clarify Logistics: Write it all down and put it somewhere everyone can see it. Who’s packing lunches on which days? Who’s covering bedtime routines? Who is driving child one to band practice at 6:00 PM, and who is driving child two to swim practice at 6:30 PM? Who is picking them up? Clarity prevents misunderstandings and reduces stress.

• Use “I” Statements: If you’re feeling overwhelmed, frame it in a way that shares your experience rather than accusing. For example: “I feel stressed when I handle mornings alone. Could we split tasks to make it easier? Those tasks include…”

Don’t Forget Emotional Expectations

Back-to-school isn’t just about logistics. It’s an emotional transition, too. Kids may be nervous, parents may feel stretched thin, or maybe even sad to send their child back to school. Needless to say, many couples can lose sight of one another in the chaos.

Take time to share emotional needs as well as practical ones:

• “I’d like us to spend 10 minutes together after the kids go to bed.”

• “I could use some encouragement this week, I’m feeling stretched.”

Remember to listen with curiosity. Revealing these emotional burdens often isn’t something to be fixed, but rather a bid for connection. It’s a sign your other half needs to lean on you, their partner, for emotional support. Staying present for them will do more for trust and intimacy in your relationship than going into “fix it” mode can.

Handling When Plans Go Off Track

I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you that even the best-laid plans can unravel. Kids get sick. Traffic delays pickup. Last-minute work meetings pop up and keep you late. What matters most in these moments is flexibility and repair.

If stress leads you to snap, acknowledge it: “I’m sorry I was short with you earlier. I was feeling stressed because I had to do X and Y instead of only X as I’d planned.” Repair attempts like this help you reconnect.

Back-to-school doesn’t have to be a source of stress for your family. By using proactive communication, couples can navigate this season as a team. Remember: big transitions are always easier when you face them together.