ACT with Love by Russ Harris

Russ Harris is one of my all-time favorite personal growth authors. He is an Australian Psychologist, ACT therapist, trainer, and the author of several books on applying Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT (pronounced like the word ‘act’), to various aspects of life. ACT with Love is about how to apply the principles of ACT to relationships.  This second updated edition has some great additional information, but still has the easy readability of all of Russ’s books. (Is my professional crush showing?) So with that said, let’s dive in.

What is ACT with Love about?

ACT with Love addresses common issues within relationships, such as conflict, increasing intimacy, and even how to explore decisions around staying or leaving a relationship. The lens of ACT is a unique way of looking at relationships and, while not specifically considered a model of couples therapy, brings some great additions to work that you may be doing either with a therapist or on your own. When we are stuck in certain patterns, it can be helpful to have a fresh perspective, and this book definitely delivers on that. 

Who is this book for?

This book is for anyone looking to improve their relationships. While this book specifically addresses couples in intimate relationships, the principles can be used with any close relationship. An advantage of the approach taken by this book is that it can be read with or without your partner. The ACT approach allows one person to make changes to how they approach the relationship, which can ultimately affect the relationship as a whole. One of my favorite quotes from Harriet Lerner, a well-known clinical psychologist, illustrates this well: “We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance can no longer continue in the same predictable pattern.” The ACT process presented by Russ and the great worksheets that go along with them allow you to explore new ways of dancing with yourself and your partner. That being said, this book is really great when read by both partners, and the exercises are explored with each other. Like a couple’s book club! 

How can this book help?

There are many ways that this book can be helpful to a couple or an individual looking to improve their relationship. While some books on couples therapy focus primarily on communication skills, this book adds ACT’s tools around how to manage your own internal experiences while having those conversations with your partner.  After all, it is often our own feelings or thoughts about our partner, or the situation, that can add fuel to the conflict fire. Among the many tools Russ shares, one of the ones that I particularly appreciated was the idea of mental smog, those thoughts that show up repeatedly in our heads about our relationship, our partner, or ourselves. This playful metaphor allows the reader to easily identify some of the narratives that are potentially draining the relationship. DRAIN is an acronym that is used to describe the various ways we can create disconnection in our relationships. I also appreciated the chapter that deals with relationship myths. These are often social-cultural narratives (inherited smog) that can be a barrier to loving, connected, supportive, lasting relationships.

Another valuable tool offered by ACT, and presented in the book, is the concept of values-guided action.  Values are freely chosen principles that guide your actions, including how you behave with your partner.  The title of this book is a nod to the actions you take in the service of your values related to your relationship. This effectively turns love from a noun (emotion) to a verb, an actionable thing that you can do every day and in every interaction, regardless of the emotional landscape. Embracing the idea that you have a choice in how you show up for your relationship, a choice that is about who you are and who you want to be, can be empowering and liberating while providing a deeper motivation for action.  

Great takeaways

There are many great takeaways and exercises throughout the book that are a great way to explore thoughts, feelings, and values in the context of your relationship. This book is also a book about the relationship you have with yourself, and how that relationship may affect your interactions with your partner (everything from Smog, to Feelings, to Values). Knowing what matters to you and, if you are working through this book together, what matters to your partner deepens and expands the connection you have with each other.  

If you are reading this book by yourself, I offer one word of caution: Don’t take the things you are learning and ‘analyze’ your partner.  Any tool used as a weapon to make your partner wrong, bad, or less than you is not going to benefit you or the relationship. You may read about a pattern in the book and believe that it applies to your partner. It may or it may not. Use it as a springboard for curiosity and explore that with your partner, or tap into compassion if it is a pattern you can see in yourself as well.

The Verdict

I highly recommend this book. It's well written, easy to read and digest, and has well-designed exercises.  The exercises can be downloaded from Russ’s website if you want printable versions of the forms to use.  For those of you who want to do this book together, but your partner isn’t a reader, the audiobook version is read by the author, and he does a wonderful job. His sense of humor and style really shine in the audiobook version.  

Be well and take care of each other.